Star Wars Episode I: The Manthom Penace
by AnotherStoryFan
Summary: A parody of The Phantom Menace. Follow the misadventures of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan as they try to restore peace and Nutella to the planet of Naboo. Rated T for language. Feedback is appreciated. On hiatus for now, apologies to all readers.
1. The Misadventure Begins

**Disclamer: I don't own anything. All rights belong to Lucasfilm and Disney. This is a parody and is not to be taken seriously.**

 **This is NOT a script. It is a story written in the present tense and narrated by a third person. It has quotation marks. Scripts don't.**

 **Warning: Contains mild language and drug references.**

Opening Crawl:

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute, but no one seriously gives a sh-t.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the greedy and stupid Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo, because they are sure that Nubians cannot survive without imported Nuttella.

While the congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events and thus fulfilling the requirement for idiot politicians who do nothing, the Supreme Chancellor has secretly (and illegally) dispatched two Jedi Knights (and not Master Yoda), the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...

Dramatic ship flies past screen.

Pilot 1: "Why do all Star Wars movies have to begin with this sh-t?"

Pilot 2: "I don't know. It's tradition. Kind of like saying 'I have a bad feeling about this' and 'May the Force be with you'."

Pilot 1: "Hopefully those lines won't be said in this movie. I've had enough of tradition."

Short Jedi: "I have a bad feeling about this, Master."

Tall Jedi: "It'll be fine, the Force is with us."

Pilot 1: "Dammit!"

Short Jedi: "Master, why do we have to wear these hoods? The only people watching this in 2015 are nerds who have seen this at least 50 times. They already know that I'm Obi-Wan and you're Qui-Gon."

Qui-Gon: "Shut up! Don't reveal your identity yet! And even if they know, these hoods make us look as badass as Batman."

Obi-Wan: "You trained Batman, right?"

Qui-Gon: "Yes I did, but then he betrayed me, so now I'm stuck with you."

The ship lands inside the Trade Federation ship. The two Jedi get out and are greeted by a droid.

TC-14: "Hello! I am a clear rip off of C-3PO. Please, follow me."

They go into the conference room and sit. TC-14 tells the Vice-Viceroy about their arrival. Vice-Vicerory tells the Viceroy.

Viceroy: "Jedi? Kill them."

Vice-Viceroy: "One of them is Bryan Mills."

Viceroy pales.

Viceroy: "He will find us and he will kill us! Quick, get them drunk while we contact the Emper... I mean Lord Sidious."

TC-14 brings in shot glasses.

Qui-Gon: "You know, I was the shot champion back in Jedi school."

Obi-Wan: "Let's go, old man!"

They start chugging shots. Meanwhile, Sidious is talking to Viceroy.

Sidious: "They're drunk, right? Blow up their ship, gas the conference room, and then send in battle droids to clean them up."

Viceroy: "My lord, why don't we just send in a few droidekas, lock the conference room, and then gas it? They will be dead in a few minutes."

Sidious: "Shut up! Do you know anything at all about the plot? No, you don't, you worthless imbecile!"

Viceroy is crouched in fear.

Viceroy: "Yes, my lord, we will do as you say."

Sidious: "Good. Now if you excuse me, I have to go get high at the club."

Transmission is cut.

Vice-Viceroy: "Damn, that guy's scarier than the Nyan Cat!"

Viceroy shudders.

Viceroy: "Nothing is as scary as the Nyan Cat! (Turns to the sky and yells) WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU RAINBOW FARTING FELINE?! WHY WON'T YOU STAY OUT OF MY MIND?!"

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are visibly drunk.

Obi-Wan (drunkly dancing): "Yo, ho, ho, it's a space pirate's life for me!"

An explosion is heard in the distance. Gas starts pouring in.

Qui-Gon: "Did you put LSD in my drink again, Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan: "I swear, Master, that was a one-time thing! Plus, I know you liked it."

Qui-Gon: "Yesh, I kinda did."

Obi-Wan (waving hand over nose): "Those Trade Federation pigs are really hitting the burritos!"

Qui-Gon: "What do you expect? There's a Taco Bell only a mile from here. They probably got takeout."

Obi-Wan: "What kind of burrito makes your farts turn green?"

Qui-Gon gets slapped by the Force.

Qui-Gon (eyes widened): "OMFG OBI! They're trying to kill us with gas!"

They take out lightsabers.

Obi-Wan (grinning): "Feast your eyes, nerds."

The doors open. Droids start shooting.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan (charging): "FOR BACON!"

Droids: "Oh, sh-t."

Droids try to run, but are cut down by the Jedi.

Qui-Gon: "Since they tried to kill us, let's go and steal their burritos."

Obi-Wan: "Yeah, hopefully they got them Doritos shells."

The Jedi go to the main control room. The blast doors are closed. Qui-Gon takes out his lightsaber and tries to cut through.

Viceroy: "OMG, they're gonna break in! Send out the droidekas!"

Qui-Gon: "I want your burritos!"

Two droidekas roll in.

Droideka: "They see us rolling, they be hating."

Obi-Wan: "Master! Destroyers! And they have energy shields!"

Qui-Gon: "Just use the Force to push them away, you idiot!"

Droideka: "You can't. The plot does not allow it."

Qui-Gon: "Damn you screenwriter! Now we have to go into the air vent!"

They run away. Viceroy receives transmission from Queen Amidala.

Queen (in weird robot voice): "Did the badass ambassadors come and kick your scaly behinds all the way to South Dakota yet?"

Viceroy (poker face): "No. Your only option is to read and agree to the terms and conditions. Otherwise we'll stay here forever. We have a Taco Bell close by, you know."

Queen (in weird robot voice): "I read it, and do not accept. It will sacrifice the freedom of my people or something or the other."

Viceroy: "Then you leave us no option. We will invade your planet with our tin cans and force you to accept our EULA."

Queen makes a rude hand gesture and cuts transmission.

Viceroy: "She actually read the terms and conditions! Who even does that?!"

Vice-Viceroy: "I know, right?!"

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are crawling through the vent. Qui-Gon sees an army.

Qui-Gon: "It's an invasion force! Let's sneak on separate ships and meet on Naboo. We'll decide what to do."

Obi-Wan: "But Master, why don't we just steal a ship, blow this floating magnet out of the sky, and then make an epic escape and return to Coruscant as heroes?"

Qui-Gon: "Shut up, Obi-Wan! We need to stretch this movie somehow! Plus, we haven't had an epic lightsaber fight yet."

Obi-Wan: "True dat."

Qui-Gon: "Why the hell are we talking in this air duct?"

Obi-Wan: "I have no idea."

They jump out of the duct and stow away on separate ships.

Obi-Wan: "Dammit! No inflight entertainment! Hopefully they don't serve that sh-tty airline food."

 **All right, what did you think? Drop a review of your thoughts and ideas, and I'll update soon! Thanks for reading!**


	2. An Unwelcome Secondary Character

A droid carrier thing lands in a field. A commander droid receives a transmission from Viceroy.

Viceroy: "The Jedi have escaped. I believe they have stowed away in one of your ships. Find them and kill them."

Droid: "Roger, roger!"

Viceroy: "Who the hell is Roger?"

Droid: "Uhhh...no one."

Viceroy: "Then why the cluck would you say 'Roger, Roger?'"

Droid: "I meant 'OK, orders received.'"

Viceroy: "I still don't believe you." (turns around, looking for Roger) "SHOW YOURSELF, ROGER! HOW DARE YOU COMMAND MY DROIDS!"

Droid: "Sh-t! I'm losing your signal! I'm cutting out!"

Droid cuts transmission and turns to other droid.

Droid: "And he says we're the dumbasses."

Droid 2: "I know, right! Do we still have to find and kill the Jedi?"

Droid: "Hell, no! They'll cut us to pieces! But if you run into them somehow, try eliminating them."

Droid 2: "But we'll surely get destroyed."

Droid: "Yeah, but we have to obey our orders. We're programmed that way."

Droid 2: "Life sucks."

Droid: "At least we don't have stormtrooper aim."

Droid 2: "True dat."

Qui-Gon is running from a droid carrier thing when he sees a Gungan about to get run over by another one.

The Force: "Save him, Qui-Gon!"

Qui-Gon saves the Gungan, who starts following him around.

Qui-Gon: "Stop following me."

Gungan: "Nosa! Yousa saves my lifesa!"

Qui-Gon: "That doesn't mean you have to follow me around. Why don't you make like a tree, and get out of here."

Gungan: "No! Mesa called Jar-Jar Binks! Mesa comic relief! Mesa have to follow you aroundsa!"

Qui-Gon (buries face in hands): "What did I do to deserve this?"

Obi-Wan runs toward the two, being chased by a droid on a flying banana.

Obi-Wan: "GET TO THE CHOPPA!"

Qui-Gon deflects laser bolts back at droid and blows the sh-t out of it.

Obi-Wan: "Nice work, Master. Who's this?"

Qui-Gon: "Some inconsiderate a-hole who keeps on following me around. He thinks he's comic relief."

Jar-Jar: "Mesa supersa usefulsa! Mesa shows yousa mesa secretsa citysa!"

Qui-Gon (sighing): Fine, lead the way.

Jar-Jar starts walking.

Qui-Gon (whispering to Obi-Wan): "I say we get out our lightsabers and..."

Qui-Gon makes stabbing motions with his hand.

Obi-Wan: "Agreed."

They sneak up on Jar-Jar and ignite their lightsabers.

Jar-Jar: "Whatsa yous..."

The Jedi swing their lightsabers downwards, but are pushed back by an old fat dude who appears out of nowhere.

Qui-Gon: "Hey bro, what the cluck?"

Old guy: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS...until you explain why the hell you were trying to kill poor Jar-Jar here."

Obi-Wan: "Who are you, and why in the name of salsa do you like Jar-Jar?"

Old guy: "B-tch, please. I'm GEORGE LUCAS! Now explain why you were trying to kill my seriously hilarious main-secondary character!"

Qui-Gon: "Because he's more annoying than those government bastards who come to my house and demand I pay them money or some sh-t like that."

George Lucas (eyes widen): "You mean tax collectors? What do you do to them?"

Qui-Gon: "I cut their weenies off with my lightsaber. But that's irrelevant."

Lucas: "It's totally relevant! Kids watch this you know."

Obi-Wan: "Exactly why we should kill Jar-Jar. The children will be scarred for like if they see this annoying as Barney nitwit. It is a crime against the Force"

Lucas: "I INVENTED THE FORCE, B-TCH! IT BELONGS TO ME! AND I SAY IT'S NOT A CRIME, SO IT'S NOT A CRIME. NOW SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR GOD!"

Obi-Wan: "God of senility, maybe."

Lucas (calming down) : "You can't kill Jar-Jar."

Qui-Gon: "Don't make me cut off your weenie, too."

Lucas: "You can't touch me. I'm your creator. Now shut up and follow Jar-Jar."

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon both give Lucas the bird. Lucas moons them and disappears in a puff of magical fairy dust. Qui-Gon turns to the cowering Jar-Jar.

Qui-Gon: "All right you mother Hubbard, show us the way to your boy band."

Jar-Jar takes them all the way to a lake and jumps in.

Obi-Wan: "Dammit, we have to swim there, don't we. I just had my, robe dry cleaned."

Qui-Gon: "I feel your pain, bro. Those dry-cleaners rip you off."

They put on breathing thingamajiggers and swim underwater all the way to the city, which is lit up. The go inside one of the pods. A guard stops Jar-Jar.

Guard: "Jar-Jar, gosa cluck yourselfsa."

Jar-Jar: "Nosa! Mesa gosa tosa the bossa.

Guard: "Finesa, but yousa deadsa."

The guard leads them to the boss's jello thing.

Obi-Wan: "Why do the gungans hate you?"

Qui-Gon snorts.

Jar-Jar: "Uhhh, last time mesa here, uhhh, mesa kind of, uhh, relieve mesaself in public."

Qui-Gon: "You sick beast! Have you no shame!"

Guard: "And then hesa takesa all of his clothesa off and run around while saying 'MESA FREESA!'"

Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon step away from Jar-Jar. They enter the boss's chamber.

Boss: "Whatsa yousa wantsa?"

Obi-Wan: "We need to hitch a ride, dawg."

Boss: "Okaysa, mesa give yousa bongo..."

Qui-Gon: "Thanks, homie."

The Jedi turn to leave.

Obi-Wan (making peace sign): "Peace out, b-tches!"

Boss: "...On the condition that yousa takesa Jar-Jar with yousa."

They stop in their tracks.

Qui-Gon: "No way are we taking that piece of Bantha dung."

Boss: "Sorry, no Jar-Jar, no deal."

Qui-Gon lets out a string of explicative language that would make a sailor turn to a priest.

Boss: "Yousa really thinksa that mesa put upsa with this annoyingsa dimfuss? No bettersa, yousa takes himsa and getsa supersa annoysa."

Qui-Gon starts to sob in his hands.

Obi-Wan (staring daggers): "Fine, we'll take him, you green turd."

They take Jar-Jar and walk out.

Obi-Wan: "Oh, and SCREW YOU!"

 **That's it for now. Reviews are appreciated, will try to update soon. Thanks for reading!**

Review responses:

StarWarsFreakyGeek- Thanks for the warning! Added quotation marks and a thing at the beginning of chapter one.


	3. Stupid and Illogical Plot Advancement

**I cracked up while writing this chapter. I don't know why. My sense of humor is weird.**

The bongo/submarine/mechanical jellyfish with ribbon propellers goes through the Naboo sea/ocean/giant lake.

Obi-Wan: "You know, this thing shouldn't even be able to move. The ribbon thing is too thin to generate any thrust, and we should be sinking right now."

Qui-Gon: "Why the hell do you care? It doesn't matter as long as it looks cool. With your logic, most of our ships shouldn't be able to fly."

Jar-Jar: "Oh noes!"

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan: "Shut the hell up."

Jar-Jar: "Thesa fisha that wantsa to eatsa usa!"

A fish swims after them, but is eaten up by a bigger one. The bigger one follows them.

Jar-Jar: "AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Qui-Gon: "Shut up. There's always a bigger fish or some s-it like that. Honestly, I'm too drunk to care."

This was indeed true. Qui-Gon had found the drinks cooler inside the bongo.

Jar-Jar: "OH NO OH NO WE'RE GONNA DIESA!"

Qui-Gon (taking another swig) : "Damn, this stuff is weak. I still can't get drunk, even after six bottles."

Jar-Jar: "ITSA COMING CLOSERSA!"

Obi-Wan calmly avoids the fish, which is eaten by an even bigger fish.

Obi-Wan: "See, no probs. Now, will you SHUT YOUR MOTHERCLUCKIN' MOUTH BEFORE I CUT OFF YOUR FRICKIN' NOODLE EARS AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

Jar-Jar cringes.

Qui-Gon: "Hey, that looks exactly like a Kaiju."

The Kaiju farts and the power goes out. The Kaiju turns to them.

Obi-Wan: "Goddamn it, where's a Jaeger when you need one?"

Jar-Jar: "WESA GONNA DIE! WESA GONNA DIE!"

Qui-Gon kicks Jar-Jar in the berries. The Gungan collapses.

Jar-Jar (clutching injured parts): "Oooooooooooooooo...mesa apricots!"

Qui-Gon: "Call the power company."

Obi-Wan dials the number.

Power Company Droid: "Hello, you have reached the Naboo Power Corporation. How may we be of assistance?"

Obi-Wan: "It's our sub, yo. We're out of power and are about to become a Kaiju's five dollar footlong."

Droid: "Ah, your systems were knocked out by the fart, right? Sorry, you're screwed. I apologize for any convenience I caused you."

Obi-Wan: "Don't you dare hang up on me you son of a b-"

The droid hangs up.

Qui-Gon(whispers): "Not to worry, my young apprentice. I have a plan. We shoot the idiot out and then we use our epic breathing mouthguards to swim outside and push this piece of sh-t to that cave over there, where we fix it."

Obi-Wan smiles evilly.

Obi-Wan: "I'm gonna enjoy this."

They go to Jar-Jar, who is still clutching his ornaments. Suddenly, the power comes back on.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan: SH-T!

The pilot away from the Kaiju and escape in the nick of time.

Qui-Gon: "I bet you that Lucas was behind that, the sly bastard. Whatever, I'm still gonna have some fun."

Qui-Gon walks over to the still lying down Jar-Jar, and unties his robe.

Jar-Jar (wearily): "Whatsa yousa dosa..."

Qui-Gon starts to relieve himself on Jar-Jar.

Jar-Jar: "OH SH-TSA, WHATSA YOUSA..."

Obi-Wan walks over and kicks Jar-Jar in the face. Qui-Gon pulls up his pants and sits down.

Qui-Gon: "Finally, an enjoyable ride."

Meanwhile, at the seriously way too big palace, the Queen was captured by the Trade Federation.

Viceroy: "We have you now! It is futile to resist!"

Queen (robot voice): "I shall not give in."

Viceroy: "You will, unless you want more of your people to die."

Vice Viceroy: "Uhh, I didn't actually see anyone die or even get hurt in coming here. Hell, we just showed up with a bunch of droids and just walked in here. Your palace security sucks."

Panaka (whining): "No it doesn't. See, I got a boo-boo from our fight."

Viceroy: "Anyway, Queen Elizabeth, you have no more options."

Vice Viceroy: "Uhh, that's the Queen of England."

Viceroy: "No, I mean the Pirates of the Caribbean chick."

Vice Viceroy: "Yeah, I mean she kinda looks like her."

Viceroy: "Whatever. I need to take a shower. I heard that you got the best conditioner in the galaxy."

Vice Viceroy: "Wait! And leave them here?"

Viceroy: "What do you want more, the softest hair in the universe, or to walk with a way too young Queen? I mean seriously, you Nubians are weird. You make teens who obsess over One Direction your rulers. Who does that?"

Captain Panaka: "Don't insult 1D! They're the Beatles reborn, I tell you!"

Viceroy and Vice Viceroy just walk away. The sub surfaces on a river next to the palace.

Obi-Wan: How did we surface on a river? And how in the actual hell did we go STRAIGHT THROUGH THE GODDAMN CORE? It's like the temperature of the sun in there!"

Qui-Gon: "I'm to hungover for your sh-t, Obi-Wan. Let's just go save the damn queen and be done with it."

The Jedi jump down from a balcony and chop up all the droids, while Jar-Jar stands and does nothing.

Jar-Jar: "Muy goodsa worksa! Mesa stay heresa and encourage yousa!"

Obi-Wan puts his hands in his face and cries, while Qui-Gon talks to the queen and a bunch of here handmaidens.

Qui-Gon: "Let's make a banana and split. We'll go to Coruscant and talk and sh-t. It's your only option, come on."

Queen: "Handmaiden, what do you say."

Padmé in Handmaiden Disguise: "I say we go."

Qui-Gon: "Wait, you just asked your handmaiden about what to do?"

Queen (nervously): "Uhh... Yeah, why not? I'm the Queen, i can do whatever I want. It's not like I'm a decoy or anything."

Qui-Gon looks suspiciously, but decides to be like Elsa and lets it go.

Qui-Gon: "Whatevs. Let's just steal a ship or something."

They go to the hangar and easily dispose of the droids.

Obi-Wan: "That was way too easy."

Qui-Gon: "I know, we haven't had an action sequence lasting more than 30 seconds yet. It sucks."

They all board the ship, but Jar-Jar is held back by Panaka.

Jar-Jar: "Hey! Mesa gets to gosa tosa!"

Captain Panaka: "WTF are you even saying? I can't understand you."

George Lucas pops out of nowhere.

Lucas: "Take him the hell with you."

Panaka: "Go screw yourself old man. This dumbass is a security risk. I ain't having none of that bullsh-t on my ship."

Lucas (sobs): "WHY DOES NO ONE WANT MY COMIC RELIEF?"

Panaka b-tch slaps Lucas.

Lucas: "WTF DID YOU DO TO ME? WHY YOU LITTLE-"

Qui-Gon comes down the ramp and pulls up Jar-Jar and Panaka.

Qui-Gon: "There's no sense arguing with that whiny bastard."

Panaka: "But...but...Jar-Jar's so annoying! How do you deal with him?"

Qui-Gon: "I don't."

Qui-Gon falls on the floor, bawling like Justin Bieber. Panaka does the same. The ship flies out of orbit, is hit by the Trade Federation ship, and loses its shield.

Obi-Wan: "Sh-t! Shields are down."

Panaka: "Send some droids to repair it."

The droids go out and try to fix the ship, but are all blasted away until only Arto...err...one blue one is left.

Panaka: "I can't believe it! That little droid did it!"

Obi-Wan: "Yeah, but where the hell are all the other ships? This has got to be the smallest planetary blockade I've ever seen in my life."

Qui-Gon (covering hands with face): When will these sh-tty plot conveniences stop?

The ship escapes into hyperspace. Later, Panaka brings the droid who is obviously Artoo Deetoo to the queen.

Panaka: "This is the droid that saved us. His serial number is..."

Queen: "I know his clucking serial number. It's obviously Artoo, why are you guys building up so much damn suspense? This isn't a Bourne movie."

Panaka: "Um...yeah, fine."

Queen: "Padmé, clean this droid up. That's a maid's job, and you're a maid and not the queen in disguise or anything."

Padmé (surprised and a little angry): "Yes, milady."

Padmé plays along, but when no one's looking, flips the queen off. While Padmé's cleaning Artoo, she meets Jar-Jar.

Jar-Jar: "Hello!"

Padmé: "OMG, just go jump into the Sarlaac pit or something."

Jar-Jar leaves the room. Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er...bridge, Panaka has a problem.

Panaka: "Our hyperdrive is damaged. We need to land and get it fixed before we got to Coruscant."

Obi-Wan (muttering): "How convenient for the plot."

Qui-Gon: "I recommend landing on Tatooine."

Obi-Wan: "Even more convenience for the plot!"

Panaka: "It's controlled by the Hutts! They're gangsters."

Qui-Gon: "Yeah, but that's the only planet not watched by the Trade Federation."

Obi-Wan: "Wait, you're telling me that in a galaxy of BILLIONS of planets, the only one not watched by the Trade Federation is Tatooine, which also happens to be the home planet of Luke-freaking-Skywalker. Something's fishy here..."

Lucas appears again.

Lucas: "OMG OBI-WAN, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO ALONG WITH MY STORY LIKE QUI-GON? YOU'RE SO JUDGMENTAL!"

Lucas disappears.

Obi-Wan: "If any of you need me, I'm gonna be turning to the Dark Side. I hear they have a good story!"

 **Read. Review. Hate Jar-Jar.**

 **I should really write slogans :D**


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